We did everything for the kids–they slept with us, all of it–and there was never any time just for us. Don’t, for god’s sake, forget that your relationship needs to be watered, too. I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately, and how exactly it is that we forgive. Looking back, I can’t believe how much time and energy we were wasting being resentful. That’s not to say that we won’t cross this bridge at some point again in the future–I’m sure we will.
4) Decide you’re going to stay married, no matter what. Say it out loud and figure out what you need to do to both agree to it. And I’ve come to the following conclusion: we just do. Here’s the craziest thing: once Ken and I decided to just let go of our resentments and forgive each other, it was simple. Life is full of challenges, especially when you’re married with young children, that’s just how it goes.
This one came to me from an acquaintance who practiced attachment parenting, and was an avid supporter of the whole practice.
I ran into him one day as his divorce was being finalized, and he looked a little shell shocked over the fact that he was actually getting divorced.
Here’s what he had to say: “If there’s one tip I’d share, it’s that you have to make time for your adult relationship, too. We thought there would be plenty of time for us when the kids were older, but by the time they got older, it was too late.” So far, I’ve stayed away from the attachment parenting debate as much as possible, but I can’t get his words (or his sad face) out of my mind.
2) Figure out what kind of payoff you’re getting from being resentful. Do you feel better after you’ve stomped around the house and/or told your friends what a jerk your husband/wife is?
I’ve found that when I complain about something to others, it takes just enough of the steam out of equation s.